Never Let You Go
by tiatear
Summary: After dying from a terminal illness, Tooru finds herself back in the living world as a ghost. Although confused at first, she discovers that her reason for living, even in the next life, is for Kyou and she will gladly wait for him. But sometimes it's better to let go, and that is a fact that she is struggling to come to terms with.
1. Prelude

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket nor am I affiliated with it in any way.

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 **She couldn't remember what it had felt like to die.**

There was this sensation of lightness, as if her soul had left her body (which, she guessed, had been exactly what had happened), and then everything had gone very dark for a moment, before suddenly getting very bright. It had felt like she was supposed to go down this bright path that had opened before her, to see whatever lay at the end of it. But she hadn't been able to move forward. Her feet had been nailed to the ground, and instead she had watched that brightness dim to black until it seemed like nothing but a beautiful memory.

However, all of that had happened after death. She still couldn't remember what the moment of dying had been like.

What it had felt like to take her last breath.

To think her last thought.

To feel her last sensation.

Maybe it was better that she didn't remember.

Now, however, she found herself in a familiar place but she felt like a stranger: she was standing in her own living room. It had been nearly two hours since she'd figure out where she was, but she hadn't been able to fully process it yet. This…wasn't what death was like, was it? Wasn't there supposed to be some kind of beautiful afterlife waiting for her? Had that been the light? Had she been unworthy?

Being sent back to the mortal world made no sense, especially when she wasn't able to be an active participant in it.

All she knew was that she was not in any afterlife. She was still in the living world. After she had left her body, it had been like she'd been transported here. And there was an overwhelming sense of relief to be back home, but also this lingering feeling of sadness: something in her soul had called out to that light, had wanted to go with that light, and she felt a little cheated that she'd been denied.

That did leave Tooru Honda to wonder just what she was. Here she was, in her own living room, and every time she tried to touch something, her hand slipped right through it. When she looked down, she seemed solid enough. She was still dressed in her hospital gown and she still had the hole in her arm from her IV, but while she could touch her own body and find it solid, the instant she tried to pick something up, it was as if her hand turned to water. It would ripple and then the object would pass right through, like she didn't exist at all.

 **It was terrifying.**

Her first instinct had been to panic. She had begun pacing, her hands over her heart, her eyes wide in trepidation, as she had walked through every piece of furniture in her house. Or rather, it felt as if she had glide through, but she didn't want to think about that.

The only rooms she hadn't entered had been the one she had shared with Kyou and her son's room. She had no desire to see those. Not yet. Not ever, if she could help it. If she entered them, she might break.

Each time it had been the same. She seamlessly passed through any obstacle in her path, her entire body shivering and then moving through it. The sensation was odd, but not entirely unpleasant. It were as if she were made of air for a moment, even though she rippled like water, and then all of her atoms reconnected once she had passed through to make her solid again.

 **It was chilling.**

After a while, her mind had calmed down enough for her to try and take in the situation, and that was when she had decided what had happened: she had turned into a ghost. She was a spirit. A spirit stuck in this world rather than heading into the next. Even though there had been that part of her soul that had called out to that bright light, Tooru found that she couldn't have been happier with the outcome. Even though she would be unable to participate in her loved ones lives, now she could at least watch. She would happily be a bystander, as long as she could be near them.

Now she could watch her son grow up.

Even if that meant she stayed a ghost.

The thought had overwhelmed her with such gratefulness that she'd fallen to her knees in sobs. She was still here. It was a weird kind of existence, and one she wasn't able to come to terms with in a few hours, but at least it was a type of existence. At least she still existed.

Hours may have passed while she lay in a crumpled heap, her face pressed into her palms as she sobbed away. Time had already felt strange ever since she'd found herself back in the living world, but for those moments it had become absolutely untamable. All she knew was that she suddenly knew she wasn't alone.

She hadn't heard the door open, but she certainly heard it practically slam closed. Sitting upright, her hands dropped from her face and through her blurred vision, the bright orange hair was unmistakable. A choked sob escaped her and Tooru practically flung herself up off the floor and rushed over to the new occupant.

Now that she was able to blink the tears away, the image of her husband's face was easier to see – and Tooru hated what she saw. She wanted those tears to come back so that it would be obscured from her, but she had run dry. She could only stare in shock as he made his way into the house, tossing off his shoes unceremoniously at the door. Their son, Kazuma, was nowhere to be seen. It was just Kyou.

He looked a wreck. His face was haggard and thinner than she had remembered, his orange hair completely disheveled and almost as much as a disarray as his clothing, which hung limply off his frame. The sight of him rendered her paralyzed. But what was she expecting? That Kyou would saunter in as if nothing had happened? That he'd be wearing a smile and carrying their son on his shoulders like usual?

No. Everything had changed. She was dead now. She had to keep reminding herself of that.

She was dead.

He had probably just come from the hospital where it had been announced that she was dead. Their son must be staying with one of their friends. No wonder he looked so awful. Had he been looking this awful for a while now? Tooru had no idea. Her illness had made her so sick that she hadn't been able to see anything for weeks. Opening her eyes had been such a hassle. She had eventually fallen into a vegetative state.

There was very little she remembered from the past month in general. She remembered her friends coming to visit her. She remembered Kyou being there – he had always been there- holding her hand and whispering in her ear. She remembered her son coming on occasion and sitting on the edge of her bed, telling her stories. Tooru had wanted to smile at everything he'd told her, but it had been too difficult to do so.

Tooru watched as Kyou staggered into the bedroom. She hadn't wanted to go in there earlier because she had been afraid of all of the memories that might've come with it, but now she couldn't get there fast enough. She watched as he collapsed onto their bed and her heart nearly broke when she heard the sobs wrack through him.

Tooru tried to put her hand on his shoulder, but as usual, it simply went through him. That disturbed her more than anything else had to this point. Reeling back, she looked at her hand. Although it still looked solid to her, the knowledge that it wasn't sent chills down her spine. This entire time she had been affirming her death to herself, trying to come to terms with it, but nothing had been as rude as an awakening call as watching her hand go through her husband's body.

The revelation that she couldn't do anything suddenly sunk in. She was helpless. The very idea of it, much less the truth of it, would have been enough to send her into a state of panic, but she swallowed down her rising anxiety, her focus back on Kyou.

Even though there wasn't anything she could do, she had decided on her purpose. After all, there was a reason she had been denied that white light, wasn't there? There was a reason that she had been sent back to earth rather than been allowed to pass on… to whatever lay ahead.

She had just realized her reason.

Tooru was meant to stay behind and ensure her son and husband's happiness, she was sure of it. She would stay by Kyou's side until his dying day and then they would pass on together. The thought warmed her, casting aside some of the previous anxiety that had been building.

She felt a solid thud rock through her and she looked down, surprised to find that her feet were firmly planted on the floor. This entire time, ever since she had died, she had been floating without even realizing it, unable to touch anything, including the floor.

Now, however, the moment after she had her epiphany, she was suddenly able to stand on her own two feet again. Tentatively, she stepped forward, surprised at how solid the ground felt underneath her, at how different a sensation it was compared to how she had been moving a few moments previously.

Tooru reached forward, trying again to place her hand on Kyou's back, but found that she was denied that simple pleasure. A sliver of frustration shot through her and she shut her eyes against the sensation. _Be gratefu_ l, Tooru, she told herself. _Remember that you have been given some kind of chance._

So she couldn't touch him…so what? It weren't as if he'd be able to feel her touch anyway. She crouched down next to him, hoping that somehow Kyou would be able to feel her presence there. It was only then that she realized he was asleep, having exhausted himself so thoroughly with his tears.

It broke her heart to see his devastation, but she was there now. And she knew exactly what she had to do. Being able to feel the world under her feet again must be some kind of sign, she was sure of it. She had found her reason for living in Kyou once before and now she had found it again.

 **It was right.**


	2. Chapter One: Darkness

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket and I am not affiliated in any way.

The next few weeks moved quickly. In death, Tooru saw life flash before her eyes. A week felt like a day. Do the living know? Are they aware of how fast time goes? She hadn't been aware. But could anyone truly be? Could anyone really understand it until they were on the other side?

Either way, it wasn't the time to mull over that. It had been three weeks and Tooru had done a shoddy job of trying to ensure her son and husband's happiness. Kyou looked even worse than he did the day he'd come home from the hospital. He had lost weight and had taken on a look of permanent chaos. His orange hair stuck up at every corner, a look that would be more comical than depressing if it weren't for the circumstances. The bags under his eyes were so deep set that she wondered if they would ever disappear. Honestly, he just looked awful.

He wasn't going to the dojo. He wasn't teaching classes. He wasn't eating or drinking or doing anything that a person is supposed to do to survive. He wasn't _living_.

Yuki and Machi had taken her son to their house because Kyou simply wasn't up to the job. That was the one thing he had done right. At least he had had the awareness to realize that he was in no condition to take care of Kazuma. Tooru had gotten nervous, watching that first week. The way Kyou was reacting reminded her all too well of the way her mother had reacted when her father had died. She was only grateful that Kyou's depression hadn't turned into true neglect.

There is nothing worse than watching the person you love the most in the world disintegrate before your eyes and you can do nothing to help. There were days Kyou wouldn't even get out of bed after waking up. He would lie there, staring at the ceiling, until night fell and his eyes eventually closed again. He was a shell of a person and there was absolutely no way Tooru could help him. She had tried everything: screaming at him, trying to throw things at the wall (only to realize that her hands still went through everything), jumping up and down to make noise…but everything was in vain. She was truly corporeal. She couldn't be seen.

 **It was terrifying.**

Something **dark** had begun to develop inside of her over these weeks, a spreading **blackness** that she was desperately trying to subdue. Whenever Kyou stumbled, or whenever her hand floated through a pan that she was trying to pick up, this bubbling **oil** would build inside of her. It was unlike anything she had experienced before. A true **rage** that couldn't be chained up. And that was the most blood curdling thing of all.

It wasn't that Tooru had never felt rage before, but this was a different kind. In the past, particularly when she was a teenager, she had become a master at hiding her feelings. Her depression went unnoticed, her anxiety ignored. It wasn't because the people around her didn't care – it was because they didn't know. And how could they have known when every day she woke up, stared at herself in the mirror, and plastered on the perfect smile before leaving her bedroom?

She was even familiar with jealousy, although no one in her life knew it except her. When Hana had begun to fall in love with Kazuma and Uo was beginning to spend her time thinking about Kureno, there was more than just a feeling of being left out in Tooru's heart. As a teenager, she had had no idea what it was. Jealousy wasn't something she was overtly familiar with, even as an adult, but it was something she learned to recognize more.

No, Tooru was well-aware of the darker sides of being human. The only different was that she was also aware of how to hide those sides.

But whatever she was feeling wasn't human.

This **darkness** boiling in the very core of her wasn't human.

 _(But was she still human?)_

Movement from the corner of her eye caught her attention and Tooru was grateful for the distraction. It was a car pulling into the driveway and she would have known that car anywhere.

Hana and Kazuma got out and Tooru felt her heart well up until she worried it might actually burst. Hana was, as always, dressed in her usual gothic attire. Today she was clad in lace from head-to-toe with a light veil covering her face. Kazuma wore his typical yukata and trailed behind her as she made her way to the door.

As if forgetting herself, Tooru rushed forward to greet them, only to feel legitimate shock when her hand went through the knob. She should have known. Of course her hand wasn't going to be able to turn it, of course when Hana and Kazuma come through the door they wouldn't see her… Of course. Of course.

But that darkness began to swell again.

Taking a deep breath, Tooru moved away from the door and watched as they opened it without knocking, quickly entering the small house. Kazuma made a direct beeline for Kyou – who was still in bed; Tooru wasn't even sure if he'd gotten up today at all – while Hana moved to the kitchen and began cleaning. A deep sorrow filled Tooru's heart as she watched Hana begin to scrub the dishes. This was something she had always enjoyed doing and it was something she should be doing now. But she couldn't.

Tooru stood there, watching Hana for a few moments before moving to where Kazuma was. He was still standing over Kyou's form. Her husband hadn't even woken up yet, even though Hana wasn't exactly being quiet with the pots and pans. Gently, Kazuma sat down on the edge of the bed, his hand moving forward to shake Kyou. For a moment, he hesitated, and Tooru wondered what was running through his mind as he battled within himself. But that moment was over quickly and Kyou was soon blinking awake.

"S-Shishou?" The orange-haired man's voice was still thick with sleep and he propped himself up weakly onto his shoulders. He blinked once, twice, and then promptly fell back into the bed, his arms covering his face. "What're you doing here?"

Kazuma leaned back and took in the state of the room, which seemed to be decomposing at the same rate as Kyou. "I'm here to wake you up."

"I don't want to. Let me sleep." Kyou's voice was muffled by his arms, but Kazuma could still hear him clearly.

The older man stood up and the pulled the covers off Kyou's body in one motion. Kyou didn't react; he still lay there with his face covered. Kazuma moved to the closet and pulled out a fresh pair of pants and a T-shirt. "How long has it been since you properly showered?"

No answer.

Tooru was happy for that. Kazuma didn't want to know.

"Here. Throw these on when you've finished showering. I'll be waiting for you in the living room."

Silence.

"Kyou."

"Go away.

"Ky-"

"I said, go away!" His voice wasn't muffled anymore. Tooru turned her head to see Kyou sitting up properly in bed, his eyes blazing almost as brightly as his hair. "I don't want you here. Go. Away." His words were sharp and she was sure that it hurt Kazuma's feelings, but to the older man's credit, he showed no signs of offense. Instead, a small smile pulled up his face. It wasn't amusement or mockery; it was something much sadder.

"I don't care if you want me here or not. I'm still here. Now listen to your father and get up." Kyou opened his mouth to say something, but Kazuma cut him off. "Now."

Although his face had never shifted from that slight smile, his words had become hard. Tooru had rarely heard Kazuma become stern, but when he did, it was always best to listen. And she knew Kyou agreed, even before he stood up, shoving the clothing against him, and moved towards the shower.

Once the water turned on, Kazuma slumped back onto the bed, resting his face in his hands. Tooru was positive she heard him mumble, "My stupid son."

The shower didn't take long but it was amazing what a proper wash could do to a person. A bright smile quickly formed itself onto her face when she saw Kyou emerge from the bathroom with fresh clothes on and with his hair almost back to its prior luster. He looked…normal again. He looked more like himself. Of course, the weight loss wouldn't be fixed with one shower and the bags under his eyes were still concerning, but progress was progress.

Kazuma had already moved to the kitchen in an attempt to help Hana, but the raven-haired woman had quickly kicked him out, reminding him that his very presence in a kitchen would cause it to be cursed. She had set about to making food for the group. Although Hana wasn't the most amazing cook to walk the earth, Tooru knew that she would be able to make something healthy and filling. And that was all that mattered to her.

"Kyou," she greeted warmly when she saw him.

"Hana."

"I do wish you'd call me mother."

"Dream on!"

Hana 'tsked' as she turned her back on him, preparing what seemed to be rice and fish. Tooru hadn't seen them bring fish in with them, but she knew that they must have brought it. Any fish in this house would have gone rotten long ago.

The brunette padded over to Kyou, giving him an in-depth look. He seemed annoyed, which was good. Kyou was only ever capable of true annoyance when he wasn't drowning in despair. Either Kazuma and Hana's visit had cheered him up or he was becoming as good an actor as she.

He slumped down onto the couch next to Kazuma, grumbling something to himself about how people should "mind their own damn business" and "leave him alone." It made Tooru giggle. She turned back to see what Hana was doing only to stop short. Her best friend was staring…at her. Or near the vicinity of where she was anyway. Tooru had always known – everyone knew – that Hana possessed some unnatural abilities, but was she able to see ghosts? And, if she was, would she reveal that Tooru was there?

 _Would that be a good thing or bad thing?_

But it seemed like she held her breath for nothing because Hana had soon turned back to the almost-finished rice and fish as if nothing had happened.

If her heart worked, Tooru's would be beating overtime right now.

"Are Yuki and Machi coming over today?" Kazuma's tone was light and casual, the tone of a man just trying to make conversation. But everyone knew that there was something deeper in his question. Yuki and Machi came over every day. And every day they brought little Kazuma with him in the hopes that Kyou would wake up and take him home. It had been nearly a month since Tooru had passed, but it seemed that time was cruel to him. Instead of healing, he was only hurting.

"They came by yesterday," he mumbled. She wondered if he was looking away because he was embarrassed. His mood changed daily. There were times that they would come over and he would be dressed and ready to greet his son, and there were other times when he would roll over, ruffle little Kazuma's hair and then hide away in the covers of his bed.

Grief is a funny thing. It isn't logical and it has no pattern. Some people grieve for the rest of their lives while others only grieve for weeks. Tooru hoped that Kyou would be more like the latter. For everyone's sake.

Hana walked over, holding a tray of rice and fish to be shared amongst the three of them. Tooru felt a pang when she saw the three plates instead of four, but she brushed it off quickly. She shouldn't expect such things. She was dead. Dead and gone for good.

 **Dead.**

She closed her eyes and breathed in, trying to take in the smell of rice and salmon but, as she thought, she wasn't able to smell anything. Her heart dropped.

But this was no time to be sad! Or to focus on herself! Her attention quickly diverted to Kyou as she watched him take a bite. She had been worried that he wouldn't eat so seeing him actually consume food made her so much happier than she expected.

The company ate in silence. Although it felt strained, it wasn't unfriendly, and Tooru was grateful for their presence. Even if they didn't talk. Even if they didn't look at each other. At least they were there. At least Kyou wasn't alone.

"Little Kazuma's preschool graduation is next week," Hana said gently, setting her now finished plate on the tray. "Have Yuki and Machi spoken to you about it?"

Kyou's head snapped up. "Wh-what? No! They haven't. What day?" He was jarred, that much was obvious, and he looked offended.

"I'm sure they weren't keeping it a secret from you," she said quickly, trying to nullify any anger that was about to burst forth. "We were wondering if you'd like a ride?"

Kyou set his plate down. In the past, even in his adult life, Tooru knew he would have responded with a "Hell yeah, I want a ride!" But he didn't. Instead he just quietly nodded his head.

Kazuma clapped his back and gave him a solid shake. "Well, good! That's what we came here to ask. Hana, I'll help you with the dishes."

"Don't you dare."

Kazuma was halfway to standing, but quickly returned to sitting down. "He's doing well, you know," he said softly. "He's making a lot of friends."

"Of course he is. He's part of her." Kyou's voice had gone very quiet and he sounded as if he were on the brink of tears. "I'm going back to bed." He stood up and padded to his room, shutting the door behind him.

Tooru's heart sank. What she had thought was going to be a pleasant time had quickly turned sour. Kazuma sighed, probably feel the same way she was, before standing and gesturing for Hana to follow him to the door.

They left.

There was no way to properly handle grief. There are probably a million books on how to comfort a grieving person, and she was sure that Kazuma had read some of them, but no matter what the experts say, there is just no one way that works. Everyone is so different. Everyone is complicated – Kyou especially so. Although he had gone back to his room and shut them out again, Tooru knew, she just knew, that he had been grateful to see them.

The room felt small as she sat on the couch, drowning in her thoughts.


End file.
